How can I ensure that the man who is courting me (or my boyfriend) will continue to pursue me?

One word: Modesty.

PURSUIT

Since this is a question about pursuit and how women love to be pursued, let me say simply that [we] men love pursuit; To be the pursuer.  And if men want something enough, they’ll be determined to pursue in the hope of winning.  He wants it so much?  Then “unrelenting” could very well be his middle name.  It’s just the way that God wired us men to be.

WIRING

It’s amazing how differently God wired men and women when you really think about it.  Even more amazing is how complementary these turn out to be!  Indeed, the way things were originally created, He called them “very good” (Gen. 1:31).  Just consider the following:

-       Boys from a very young age have always wanted to pursue; To rescue.  We find this in the way that when left to themselves, whatever materials they can get their hands on can very well do as a make-believe weapon (e.g. a well-shaped twig or a blow dryer for a gun, a broom for a sword, a trash can lid can be a shield any day).  They don’t look for dolls.. (Well, hopefully not.)  Girls, on the other hand, have the underlying desire to be wooed; To be swept off their feet.  Wearing her mother’s dress in front of a mirror, longing to be pretty for someone, dreaming what her prince will say when they finally meet.

-       Men are visually stimulated.  Then God made women… well… generally just much better to look at.  (I think that that’s just so thoughtful of God.)  Women, on the next hand, are more emotionally wired.  Then He made men with an inherent desire to be romantic towards women.  (Although most women will argue that desiring to be romantic is light years removed from actually being romantic.  Men,… fix it.)

COMPLACENCY

So considering how men are wired, it must be said that in relationships before the commitment of marriage, “small victories” tend to give him a sense of complacency.  Especially if he is given the privilege or access that he has not worked hard to earn; Or worse, if he has something that had been voluntarily given to him, i.e. without even having to initiate it at all, without having to ask for it yet!

Too many women make it too easy for a man to catch them.  What I’m trying to say is that women should exercise more restraint in giving something that should be earned.  While not playing hard-to-get, a woman should not go out of her way for a man to have her in ways that he wants; he needs to earn her hand.  Sadly these days, some would really need to assess of a man, “Does he have it too easy?”

MUCH WORK

Men are capable of MUCH WORK, especially in pursuing something that he desires.

What things need to be earned, exactly, you might ask?  Well, things you say is one (i.e. expressing way too much too soon, or before he does), and physical contact is definitely another (no explanation needed).

He is able to persist in the work of pursuing her more than she can imagine (or more than she’s given herself the chance to find out) if she is just able to hold it off for the proper time.  She should do this for her sake.  Why for her?  So she can ensure that she doesn’t marry:

(a) someone whose pursuit of her ends at the wedding day (or sadly but possibly, even way before the wedding day),

(b) someone lazy as he never got used to working for anything (note: a woman desires to be a wife to a husband, not a mom to him),

(c) generally someone who’s just a complete loser (who’s in a relationship without having to work for it, in the same way a lottery winner has “wealth”).

MODESTY

Having said this, modesty is perhaps the best thing that a woman can do for her future husband.

Men have been wired to be the initiator, and the woman the responder.  This is arguably consistent with how the Bible defines roles for both.  And to short circuit this will be disastrous.  How so?  A woman initiating (even sexually passive) is tantamount to her pursuing the man.

Ladies, don’t pursue the man (or make things too easy for him)… if you do, you will need to be pursuing him for the rest of your life.

PRICE

Let me say, ladies, that you have a price.  And modesty is being unyielding to be bought at a disrespectful percentage of that original price.  For risk of stating the obvious, modesty is a good thing!  Modesty shows your identity in God (cf. 1 Cor. 6:19-20).

At what price would you allow him to hold your hand?

At what price would you allow him to kiss you on the lips?

At what price would you allow him to sleep with you?

(Funny, at the parking lot today I passed by a car with the alarm blaring.  People’s faces say it clearly “Would someone make that sound stop?!”… I feel like one of those cars today…  BUT (!) for the sake of those who made it this far, I will continue…)

The interesting thing about this is that you, women, get to set this price yourselves!   A very high price has been set for you.  But at the end of the day, the choice is still completely yours as to whether you’ll be agreeing with that price and retaining it, or if you honestly think that in this day and age, that’s just too high a price to make someone pay for you and you’d be glad to settle for a much lower price. Bargain, anyone?  Your choice to make.

As for the first two rhetorical questions, we’ll be careful not to prohibit what Scripture does not (1 Cor. 4:6).  But think, what could be more romantic than a first kiss on your wedding day?  And as had been stated earlier, a premature surrender of your body is the quickest way to experience his complacency.  The slack should come very shortly.

The third question, however, is called fornication, or sexual activity outside the context of marriage.  In the Bible, it is classified under “sexual immorality’ (1 Cor. 6:9, Rev. 21:8).  Clearly, sleeping with your girlfriend or boyfriend is a sin.  Taken in context, even just doing actions that are only appropriate for married couples (not necessarily the act of sexual intercourse), may very well constitute a sin (Eph. 5:3).  These things are only to be enjoyed in the commitment of marriage (Heb. 13:4).  Appropriately (very, in my opinion), sexual intercourse has lately been referred to as “the Act of Marriage“.  Go figure.

HOW MUCH?

So about the price…  What price would you have for yourself?

His saying of three words?  “I love you”?  Is that it?  Ok na?

Allow me contend that it’s not even three words.  It’s two; but two that takes so much more work to convincingly say and back up.  Work that only honorable men are willing to put in, but work that all women are deserving to be done for.  Those words are “I do”.  And just to clarify, it’s “I do” in front of many witnesses.

“I do”.  Not “I will”.  “Papakasalan naman kita ah!” (I said I was going to marry you!)  Ladies, for your sake, this should never cut it.

“But we’ve been together for yeeeeaaars!  We’ll get there!  So in God’s eyes, we’re as good as married!”  umm..  no you’re not.

WARNING: SENSITIVE MATERIAL

I’ll give this illustration that will likely be a bit sensitive – even distasteful – to some, but if you can bear through it hopefully you wouldn’t be able to refute that it communicates the point clearer.  Hey, you’ve gotten this far!  So here it is:

You know what’s the big deal with the relationships picture that I had been taking great pains to paint?  It’s like acquiring women, on credit.

I have nothing against using a credit card.  In responsible hands, credit cards are actually extremely useful and practical!  But I believe that the beginning of many relationship problems today is that women allow themselves to be “bought” in this way.

When you buy something using a credit card, you have no cash out.  No pain.  Just a split second of an uncomfortable swipe.  Come to think of it, you don’t even have to have cash on you at all (not on your person, not even in the payroll account)!  Allocating cash that’ll come in for the next few months to pay for something that you desperately want NOW.  (Now that’s self-control for you!  Not very mature, is it?  Not very responsible.)  Purchasing by credit is promising; declaring your intentions of paying for it in full “soon”.  But once the transaction has been made, you can use it as if you had already paid for it in full!  Good for things, not so for people in relationships.

(Imagine giving all you’ve got to offer to someone who still lives with his mom & depends on his mom for food & allowance while spending his money on things that only benefit himself.)

Trouble here is, quite often, people use things until they lose all interest in them long before they’ve paid for them in full.  Some even become burdened & consequently delinquent in paying off what they owe.  Months.  Years.  Decades. Makes you wonder will it ever be paid off in full at all?

Sadly, too many relationships are like this.  Tho delays are good news for the Card company, it’s the exact opposite for women in “cruising” relationships, whether they realize it or not, whether they admit it or not.  Months.  Years. And *gasp* (say it), a decade even…

It’s such a tragedy when some women in such relationships let this thing happen to them.  And eventually come to wonder “What’s keeping him from proposing marriage to me?”  Women know that this cuts straight to the core of their identity and confidence (or so I read).  “Am I not desirable, not pretty?  Am I not worth pursuing?” To which the proper response would be “Of course you are!  If you’ve just given yourself the chance to be pursued.  The harsh, sad truth is that she’s barely left anything more for the man to work for and look forward to.  “All in”.  “Been there, done that.”  Nothing new to gain.  “What’s the rush?”

Another example.

UNDERPRICED

Think of the iPhone 3GS that you’d want to purchase; Costs upwards of PhP 40,000 at the mall.  Then to your surprise, you find one in Quiapo (thrift shop vicinity in Manila) for a quarter of the price!  (Quite a stretch, I know, but I’m driving a point.)  Brand new, a month’s warranty instead of a year, but brand new!  You’ll get it, right?  Who wouldn’t???

But think about it.  If you’re honest, just after several months, you probably wouldn’t be taking care of it the same way, you wouldn’t be handling it quite the way you would still have been (despite its being months old) if you had bought it AT FULL PRICE at the MALL where you saw it in all its FULL GLORY on display.  By this time you might just throw it on the couch or on the table, caring very little if it hits a furniture or two – if you just paid a measly amount for it.  This, despite your having access to everything it has to offer.  Truth be told, this’d be something that you wouldn’t even imagine doing if it had been something for which you had waited so long and gave up so much.

What if.  What if at this point of waning interest you passed by that same thrift shop and the shop owner vehemently demanded that you pay him more because he had mistakenly given you a much lower price than its original cost?  Now he’s pressuring you to hand over the balance right away.  Would you pay up?  Of course not!  Who would???

Tough to argue with that, isn’t it?

But now consider the vehement questions single women have today.  “Are we getting anywhere in this relationship???”, “It’s really uncomfortable for me to say this, but when will we get married?!?”,  “It’s been [X number of] years!! You promised!”

Frustrating.  Women should never be put in this position.  Sadly, they wouldn’t be if they hadn’t agreed and allowed for it to happen.

So how are these questions responded to?

One way is with indifference; Even worse, annoyance:  “What more do you want?!?  We’re together, aren’t we?!?  Cut me some slack!” (Sounds harsher but more real in Tagalog). Sadly all too familiar to too many women.

Another way this is met is with (more) promises.  As if enough hadn’t already been said, albeit unfulfilled.  Intentions are good.  But if intentions and promises were anywhere near good enough, after the coming electoral campaigns there’d be justified expectations to forever disassociate “third world” with the Philippines by 2011!  If only promises can be considered as good as done.  It’d be foolish to.  “We’ll get there, don’t you worry.  Just give me some time.  Bear with me.  Things will turn my way, it’s just a matter of time.  I’ll see you later.  I need to go buy new stuff for my hobby.“ How and why do you put up with this??  Makes me want to lay hands on the guy (not the laying of hands in Acts, but the UFC-variation of it in Neh. 13:21).

And this is what we see today.  Relationships among singles that allow FULL OWNERSHIP.

FINE DINING

Liken a God-pleasing relationship to a fine dining experience (one of order, cf. 1 Cor. 14:33).  A specific food item designed for a specific phase of the dinner schedule, intended by the Chef to make for an experience that gets better and better with each subsequent phase (cf. Ecc. 3:11a).  The hors d’oeurve to whet the appetite for the imminent feast.  The soup and salad to prepare the palette for the sumptuous Angus Beef main course, the red wine a perfect complement.  More than just a meal, it’s an experience.

But sadly, what we see today is people in relationships asking for everything on offer to be osterized (i.e. blender) so they can be consumed all at once in a bowl of green goo and slime (cf. Rom. 1:24, 28).  “YUCK!!!”?  ”Yuck” sounds pretty spot on.

Here’s the thing, until the vows have been said and there are rings on your fingers, you do not own each other (1 Cor. 7:4, Gen. 2:24).  The man has to work for the privilege, embracing his responsibilities and duties as a husband prior to taking his bride.  If he does not take this on diligently as a real man, then (in my opinion) he is not fit to take a pet (!) to take care of, let alone a wife and kids!  (Come to think of it, it’s perhaps because some men have been pretty much treated as pets.  Loved unconditionally, but no real respect earned.  Just something whose urges get satisfied).  This isn’t the love of a wife to a husband.  A wife needs to respect her husband, respect that the husband worked hard to earn (more on this on Q & A # 7).

IN CASH

But this time imagine the thrill of finally receiving a piece of technology (e.g. the newest Mac, iPod Touch, or iPhone 3GS), when you’ve sacrificed for it, saved up for it, patiently waited for it (like a man) for the time you are able to purchase it in full, and in CASH.  I believe that boy-like excitement is what a man ought to feel at the altar on his wedding day, watching his princess-of-a-prize walk beautifully and elegantly down the aisle into his arms to be his wife for the rest of his days.  This is what makes weddings glorious.  The kind in which even grown men cry.

So riding on the analogies we’ve been on: Women, you are so worth to be paid in full.  And (without meaning any disrespect, and in view of the ongoing analogy) in CASH.  Don’t settle for anything else, for your sake.

Modesty.

NO GO

What if modesty still doesn’t yield the desired results?  If you have a boyfriend who still can’t keep his emotions and his hands to himself, disrespecting you to please his selfish urges (Jas. 3:16)?  Then he has lived up to his billing.  He has proven that he’s just that.  A boy. Think “wilderness explorer.” Hey, if he can’t show self-control with you before you’re married, what makes you think that you will be able to rest assured as a married woman that he’ll show self-control with his lady officemates while you’re not there?  And if he says he loves you but insists for sexual favors, I’m betting that he really doesn’t (love you).  Another L word comes to mind.

HUSBAND-MATERIAL

Don’t settle for a boy.  You need a man.  A man of faith. A man who loves Jesus and isn’t ashamed to say so and show it. “I love Jesus” is the most manly thing than a man, a husband can say! One who will say “I honor you”, and “I have a plan for you” with his words and his actions (“it [love] does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking…”1 Cor. 13:5a).

YES, YOU ARE!

LADIES, you are so worth wooing and your love and affection worth earning (Gen. 29:18).  You are worth pursuing well into marriage (pursued by your future husband in marriage, Gen. 29:27-30).

*Jacob amazingly showed us how pursuit looks like.  Seven years to purposefully pursue Rachel as a single person, and didn’t stop pursuing her even when they were already married (the bible records 7 more official years of hard pursuit as a husband)!

(Note: Putting it into context in 2009 however, one would probably need to move on from a long relationship that’d just been “coasting” along with a clear lack of male courage, initiative and leadership.  It’s cruising along straight to Shortchange City.)

You deserve to be preserved for your future husband (1 Tim. 5:1-2).  You are worth respecting and protecting (1 Pe. 3:7).  A man should consider it to be an honor just to be with you! And ladies, you need to know that and be fully convinced of that.

A woman needs to know that she is valuable, cherished, and treasured, and if a man does not labor to marry her, it is doubtless he will labor to keep her (cf. Gen.29:20).

Do you believe you’re worth holding out for (1 Cor. 13:4), growing up for (1 Cor. 13:11), sacrificing for (Jn. 15:13)?  I definitely think so.

And infinitely more importantly than what I think, God’s Word clearly says so.

Next entry: Dating Q & A # 6

Is it ok to have two men court me at the same time?

Do you believe in the idea of having a “soul mate”?

GPC

By “soul mate”, it is taken that we are referring to a specific person that God had providentially created and prepared for a specific other, in that each of them would only be able to experience God’s absolute best in married life with one another.  This is also what is commonly referred to as “God’s Perfect Choice” or “G.P.C.”.  This notion is popularly espoused by Joshua Harris’ book, “Boy Meets Girl”.

Does God’s plan include only one particular perfect mate for everyone?  That “One True Love”?

In my heart, I so want to believe the romantic answer.  “Before I was born, God created [my wife] Joyce just for me.  We met.  I courted.  She loved me too.  We married.  Now we’re living our happily ever after.”  It just sounds wonderful.

But is this really the way that God works?  Honestly, I’m not sure.  But I do admit, it could very well be; At least to a certain extent.  We’ll know in full when Jesus reveals all in heaven (1 Cor. 13:12), to be sure!

BETTER

However, the purpose of this post is for my humble contention that God works in an even more powerful, more glorious way than “GPC” / “soul mate”.  Let me explain:

The Bible says that God is sovereign; Meaning, He rules over all with boundless authority and power (1 Chr. 29:10-12; Ps. 103:19).  He knows the number of our days (Ps. 39:4) as well as the things that happen in each of them (Ps.139:16).  This means that the Lord knows with whom we will have been married, if we would indeed have gone on to marry at all!

Yet the Bible appears to be silent if indeed God has a preferred choice for every one that He would have desired for him/her to eventually find (or bump into) and end up marrying.  “Fate” just sounds so romantic.

But then again, wouldn’t it be just completely good of Him if He just let us decide for ourselves with whom we’d want to go to God’s best with?

Personally, I think that this is exactly what He lets us do!

FREE WILL

Think about this.  There’s no better way to give glory to God than to use the Free Will that He has given us; That which we can use either to live for Him or to ignore Him.  In the same way, wouldn’t it be just an awesome display of His goodness, power and sovereignty if our Free Will had a major role in our experiencing His absolute best for us in marriage?  (cf. Dt. 30:19-20 TNIV, Rom. 8:6-7, English Standard Version)

I believe that for God to be most glorified [in people’s lives], Free Will is a necessary component, with people’s happiness (i.e. living God’s best) the amazingly realistic result (Jn. 10:10b).

UNDUE PRESSURE

Do you really think God will put the pressure of tracking down that one specific  individual, on you?  And if you miss the right one, then too bad – you can only choose a wrong one now.  And if you end up marrying wrongly, you can effectively relegate a multitude of people to marriages and lives of mediocrity.  No wonder many relationships today are in such a tailspin.

Wow.  What if I miss God’s moment?

Missing bumping into her at the grocery because of an additional 30 seconds of deciding between the usual Gillette Mach-3 Turbo triple blade razor or the new Schick Quattro?  Or missing being immediately behind Mr. Right at the counter because of an extra minute of deciding between Reduced Fat Chips Ahoy and Chewy Chips Ahoy?  What now?  You’ll be doomed to shave all your life to look your most attractive just for Ms. Wrong!  Or you’ll be destined to getting fat eating Chips Ahoy with Mr. Wrong!  And it can get worse.  You can even end up doing those all alone!

I agree that fear would be appropriate at this juncture.  Would I make a mistake and miss an opportunity that could guarantee my future happiness in marriage?

Missing out on a relationship with her because she’s already just agreed to be wooed by someone else, all because you put off asking her out for just one more day to gather some more courage.  Could God be frowning in heaven saying, “What have you done?!?  I had EVERYTHING set up for you, and YOU BLEW IT!!”?  Now be miserable all your life?

Isn’t it a relief that God is more powerful, more GOOD than that?

Just as He is always more involved in our lives than we can ever know (Rom. 8:28), I believe that He wants us more involved in ending up in married bliss than we realize!

Many faithful Christians wholeheartedly believe that no matter what they do or don’t do, God will bring them mates.  That somehow, they’ll just be “drawn together”.  That’s kind of like saying “I don’t have to work.  Even if I just stay home, watch TV and surf the net, God will provide for me, because I am a Christian.”

My thoughts exactly.  It’s silly.

Believing in “GPC” presents the very real scenario of people not putting any effort into finding a potential spouse, or at least putting themselves in a position to do so.  Many don’t go to places where other believers might be, let alone get involved in their activities.  They don’t try to improve their relational skills, some don’t even take care about their appearance!  They just sit around waiting… hoping… trusting God for a mate but never taking a single step in that direction.  Such a discord can’t happen (Jas. 2:17).  It’s irresponsible, immature, and downright childish.

MY ADVICE?

Men, be in faith.  Read your bible, grow up, get a job (preferably one you cannot do in just house clothes), be diligent, be responsible, then find a wife.  Find.  Proactive.  I personally think that a wife is the BEST “good thing” you can ever hope to find.

He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD. (Prov. 18:22, ESV)

Ladies, be in faith.  And get involved.  I’ve heard it before, “I just can’t find someone I’m interested in here in church.”  “Well, may I know how many Christian guys do you actually know and hang out with?”  “Well, my closest friends.  Let’s see.. hmm..       Four…?”  Exclusive cliques can easily be unhealthy.  My advice? Get in the mix.  Make friends.  As you wait on God, choose to grow, pray, worship, serve, prepare, learn (life skills), budget, go disciple (Mt. 28:18).  Ruth was providentially blessed with a godly husband in Boaz, but I believe that had a whole lot to do with her being in the field working the harvest (Ruth 2:2 – 4:13).  Go figure.

DANGER

If you believe in “GPC” and end up marrying someone, there’s something that will inevitably happen that will cause you to doubt.  When you and your spouse get into a serious fight (and you will); When things don’t turn out exactly the way you expected them to (and they won’t, more often than not), there’ll be a tendency to think in your heart “Maybe he/she isn’t my soul mate after all!”  Now that is dangerous.  Insidious, but a termite that will effectively ruin marriages nonetheless.

Let me now present my CONCLUSION.

This, in the context of you living the Christian life, actively looking to grow to maturity in your relationship with Jesus, and looking to be in the middle of what He is up to in and through His Church:

There will be several potential spouses that will be presented you, with any one of whom you could truly go all the way to God’s best in marriage.

Look at it this way,  Put yourself in the right position, both in relation to Jesus and in community (Jn. 15:4), God presents qualified candidates, and YOU get to choose!

Can it possibly get better than that!?

But here’s the thing.  Whoever you end up marrying, that’s the ONE.  Call each other your  “GPC” or “soul mate” or whatever you like, but for all intents and purposes, you’re each other’s ONE.  Then proceed on going to God’s best in marriage with each other.

While this may crush some romantic dreams, this should also remove some of undue pressure, especially in that we can act on our human responsibility to get involved.  It should also afford us relief that if we miss an opportunity for a relationship, we can rest in the fact that God is BIG on relationships, and He deeply values marriage.  God can provide another with whom you can still go to a holy and awesome marriage.

He’s that big.

Choose to move forward, walk the Christian life and trust Him.  Assume the posture of humility in asking wisdom (Jas. 1:5), and decide as the Lord directs (Isa.30:21).

God gets the glory when you experience His best [i.e. in marriage], especially when it is a result of a series of guided decisions.

(For more on this topic, read Craig Groeschel’s book “Going All The Way”.  It must also be said that Joshua Harris’ “Boy Meets Girl” remains as one of the more helpful books on this subject.)

Next entry:  Dating Q & A # 5

How can I ensure that the man who is courting me (or my boyfriend) will continue to pursue me?

What is the right term to use, “dating” or “courtship”?  Is it ok to call each other “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”?

The apostle Paul said not to quarrel over words (1 Tim. 6:4), so it’d be best not to get lost in mere semantics.

Regardless of the history of the word “Dating”, in the past two decades it has largely meant “in a relationship”, or a variation thereof, with some calling themselves “boyfriend-girlfriend”.  People legitimately contend that not using these terms today would unnecessarily ostracize Christians from non-believers, and it’d be much better to use these same terms but live it differently than everybody else does, for everyone’s benefit (i.e. the couple and the people around them).  Makes perfect sense, doesn’t it?

“Courtship”, tho archaic [literally meaning “bringing the relationship before a court" (i.e. seeking guidance in humility)] and more noble-sounding, it really just refers to a similar arrangement, albeit involving community more.  Some may argue that this term suggests something closer to “man pursuing or wooing the lady” [as opposed to “chase ended, steady lang muna, waiting indefinitely for what’s next” (more on this on Q & A #5)], and is a boundary in itself that they have chosen to set for their protection.  That is noble!  So this is fine too.

However, using either “courtship” or “dating”, and calling each other “boyfriend-girlfriend” or not, are inconsequential.  What is important is to let your individual lives, and your relationship [that a watching world is more likely to observe] – give glory to God.

Let what you do define your terms.

There are people who call themselves to be in “courtship” but are steeped in sin and cause confusion to young believers and non-believers (“stumbling blocks“, 1 Cor. 8:9, 11-12).  There are also people who are “dating” and/or call themselves “boyfriend – girlfriend” but have a relationship that effectively attracts people to Jesus (1 Thess. 4:12) in the way that they honor, serve, and preserve one another.

The heart of the matter is that it’s not about terms.

 It’s all about honoring God and one another, and keeping away from sin (Heb. 12:1).

Everything else is a conscience issue (1 Cor. 8); a personal conviction thing.  As everything else concerning relationships (except sin issues), we are free in Christ to decide [i.e. on the terms we use] as we deem appropriate to the relationships we lead, but are not free to enforce on others (1 Cor. 9).

A note to men:  The premier way that you can honor and serve the lady you are pursuing is if the MAN (that’s you) defines the relationship in a way that she will be able to answer questions presented her [by others regarding the relationship/arrangement], with brimming excitement and joy rather than awkward uncertainty or confusion.  Be purposeful.

Let’s be honest, it’d be nothing less than immaturity or childishness if you pursue a woman without seriously considering her to be your wife.  Tho’ a mature lady can agree to such a season (or arrangement) to prayerfully consider if she’d agree to be your wife or not, is there really any other reason for a mature man to pursue a lady??  Shouldn’t you have already decided in your heart that you’d want to have the honor of being her husband in the very near future long before you started pursuing her?

Define your relationship, set and embrace the boundaries (Ps. 16:6), then pursue her / serve her / court her / date her with the purpose of preparing her heart for marriage!  That, to my mind, is being purposeful.

(And I do hope that ladies wouldn’t settle for anything less.  Desiring for commitment means waiting for a man, not settling for a boy (who can’t control his hands or his emotions, and no discipline whatsoever to back his actions up with).

To recap, a straight question deserves a straight answer.  So this is as straight and forthright as I can manage:

Q: “Dating” or “courting”?  ”Boyfriend-girlfriend” or not?

A: Keep away from sin.  Honor God.  Honor and serve the other.  Be purposeful. (and men, pursue her as she deserves to be!)

All this, in view of a marriage that goes the distance.

Next entry: Dating Q & A # 4:

Do you believe in the concept of “soul mate”?

Would it be wrong to date or court if I am too young to get married, or if I have no intentions of getting married yet?

Considering the previous question (back up one post), then yes it would be.  It just wouldn’t be wise to pursue a relationship right now.  Here’s why:

Having a non-committal relationship at this point would afford a good time, but it is not the way to having a good life.  Though arguable that sin isn’t committed outright, it won’t take long til it is.  And sin destroys.  Sin destroys relationships.  Sin destroys dreams and plans.

“The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance.” (Ps. 16:6), remember?

And if you hadn’t caught it yet, Christian Dating is for men and women.  It’s not for.. um..  for the purposes of this post alone, we’ll playfully refer to them as “boys and girls“.  Hopefully they’ll know clearly which side of the boundary line they ought to be for now.

-       Boys and girls, take your time.  There may be more important things that you should be doing rather than seriously pursuing a romantic relationship.  So what to do?  Read your Bible, pray, study, serve in church, mature, fix your relationships, get a job, give your tithes, pay off your debts, save, learn to give, break some habits, get your act together, improve your relational skills, develop some life skills, outgrow some TV shows.  In a word (or 2), grow up.

The main purpose of singleness for the Christian is growing in spiritual maturity (Heb. 5:13-14, Jas. 1:2-4).  Spiritual maturity results in maturity in general, which should be a non-negotiable in marriage if one would want for it to go the distance.

Girls, hold out for God’s best.  Prepare, get involved (i.e. be visible), make friends.  You were made to be pursued.  Don’t jump the gun.  Your timetable is really good, but God’s is perfect.  You won’t wait in vain (Mt. 6:33).  Hold out for God’s best.

Boys, the first thing that God called “not good“, even before sin entered the world, was Adam’s solitary state (Gen. 2:18a).  Having a spouse, a helper suitable for you (18b), will be such an honor.  Drop the remote, drop the controller, get up and work for it.  (“Work”?  More on this in Dating Q&A #4).  Earn the privilege.  How?  By deciding to grow up.  Growing old is inevitable, growing up is optional.  Start making man decisions.

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.  When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. (1 Cor. 13:11)

-       Men and women, GO.  Please.  Do your church and yourself a favor. What do I mean GO?  Seek guidance in humility, serve in church, make many friends, and go; i.e. women, be visible and approachable and maturely accommodate; men, man-up and get to work (and be sensible in your timing).  Can’t make it any more curt than that.  Go. Go. Go.  Pursue.  Do it to get married.  I highly recommend married life.  It lives up to the hype.

Quick story.  A conversation with a young man who asked a similar question went like this, beginning with my reply:

“Ok, what if…  What if that girl you’re wanting to pursue happens to be one of the daughters of one of your pastors, would you still continue with your plan?”

“Well, … that’s different, bro.”

 (huh?) “And that’s different how?”

 “Hmm..  well, it just is!  She’s…  she’s a pastor’s daughter…”

 “And you don’t do that to a pastor’s daughter why?”

 “Mainly because of her pastor-dad.  Pastors… deserve  respect.”

 “Ok.  So other parents don’t?”

Although the Bible does say that full-time pastors deserve to be accorded respect and honor (1 Tim. 5:17), we are commanded to give all parents (Mal. 1:6, 1 Tim. 3:8, 1 Pe. 2:17) the same respect as image-bearers of God (Gen. 9:6) (which means that it’s regardless if the parents are believers).

And just for kicks, can you imagine initiating what would prove to be an awkward conversation?

“I’m not ready to consider marriage just yet, but pastor, I’m interested in pursuing your daughter as a girlfriend.  Can I have your permission to spend time with her, get tangled up emotionally with her, and perhaps even be intimate with her sexually?  Oh I promise to be committed to her, sir.  And who knows, we may even end up more permanently when we’re both ready.”

Cringe.  “You better get on your bike now, little boy.  It’s almost time for your favorite cartoons.”

So there.  To address the question, it’d be lovingly responsible to say that no, pursuing a serious relationship would not the wisest thing for a single person to do at this point.

But if you don’t agree with these, can you still pursue a relationship?  Of course you can!  Drivers decide to beat red lights all the time, don’t they?  And most get away ok…

But one day…  One day it could very well catch them (and not just by a policeman, mind you) and leave them with painful regret.  As if it’s ok to simply hope that nothing happens…  When that day comes, they’ll know that it had been their undoing that they consciously decided on, in favor of some “harmless” fun.

Find and respect the boundary lines.  They’re fences for your protection (and for your marriage, Heb. 13:4).

Next entry: Dating Q & A #3:

What is the right term, “courtship” or “dating”?  Is it ok to call each other “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”?

How does “Christian Dating” differ from “regular” dating? 

A city on a hill cannot be hidden. (Mt. 5:14b) 

The church is to be lived as a holy city within the city (i.e. the one that you live in) that seeks to show the city an alternative life (& lifestyle) that is possible under the Lordship of Jesus Christ.  It is to exist for the honor and glory of God.  And like a city built on top of a hill, it should be hard for anyone to miss.

The apostle Paul identifies the 2 ways that people can go about relationships:

It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; (1 Thess. 4:3-5)

And there are really only these two ways:

1. Holy and honorable – to each other, to the people around you (family and friends), and ultimately to the Lord.  The “city on a hill” relationships that Christians are called to have.
2. In passionate lust – People dishonor one other, disregard everyone else around, and dishonor God.  This is how people will go about relationships as a default.

Simply put, Christian Dating is done for the glory of God, as opposed to giving in to the self.

Though the topic of dating (or courtship) is not directly addressed in Scripture, it is sufficiently covered by what the Bible does lay down in living the Christian life.

So, “city on a hill” and “holy and honorable“.  How does this look like?

1. Christian Dating is purposeful.

What purpose, exactly?  To prayerfully find out for a season if the man and the woman (I just had to say that) are compatible and are willing to venture with each other to God’s best in marriage.

Biblically, Christian dating has as its purpose:  ultimately, marriage.  Particularly, one that goes the distance (Mal. 2:16a).

 -       It embraces duties and responsibilities as mature individuals that if not fulfilled, can result in a lifetime of regret.

But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. (Eph. 5:3, emphases mine)

-       It sets and respects “boundaries in pleasant places” (Ps. 16:6a) as a means of serving the other, and preserving (wow, what a popular word that is) the other for his/her “delightful inheritance” (v.6b), i.e. for his future wife or her future husband.

Considering the Bible’s repeated stating of the husband’s loving leadership as the head of the family (Eph. 5:22-32, Col. 3:18-21, 1 Pe. 3:1-7), any romantic relationship should begin with the man taking initiative protecting the woman physically and emotionally.  Thus, the relationship boundaries are to be set by the man (boys won’t), acting on his masculine duties and responsibilities.  His words and actions should speak to her: “I have a plan for you”, and “I will not waste your time”.

2. Christian Dating seeks to honor.

-       Honor God (1 Cor. 6:18-20).

-       Honor/serve the other person (1 Tim. 5:1-2, Song 8:4).

-       Honor the other person’s family (men, esp. her parents, who will give away their daughter; Jer. 29:6).

-       Honor the other person’s spiritual family (men, esp. her spiritual “parent(s)” who oversee her; Tit. 2:4-5).

-       [and while you’re at it,] Honor the other person’s friends.

The rest of the city dates primarily for self-gratification (Rom. 1:22-24), i.e. companionship and sexual fulfillment; Then explains this with the “trial and error” excuse: looking to make mistakes now as a single person [in marriage-like arrangements], rather than making those mistakes once they’ve already “committed to one person”.  At least that’s the idea.  It operates on the idea that happiness comes before holiness (in marriage).  In reality, this will train you for a lifestyle of promiscuity more than anything.

At the end of the day, Christians persevere in living lives glorifying to God in a world system that lures to serve the self instead.  Christians believe that Satan will always be a liar (Jn. 8:44, 2 Jn. 7), and that God’s plan for you will always be the best there is (Jer. 29:11, Rom 12:2b).

But again, the decision is still yours.

For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life.  Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you his Holy Spirit. (1 Thess. 4:7-8)

Next entry: Dating Q & A #2:

Is it wrong to date or court if I am too young to get married, or if I have no intentions of getting married yet?

Before proceeding with answering the questions from “Going All The Way” (see previous post), best to restate what is at the heart of such events.

It’s not at all about “Wait!  Don’t!  Stop!”  Far from it.  Matter of fact, it’s all about showing single people which way to go and launching them toward that direction.  Closer to “Come on!  Go for it!” than anything else.

 The heart of “Going All The Way” is that single people will:

-       acknowledge and embrace God as the source of all life (Gen. 2:7,Ps.16:11) and love (1 Jn. 4:16), and

-       have purposeful relationships (Prov. 29:18)  in good time (Ecc. 3:1, 11; Song of Songs 8:4), with the possibility of them leading to marriages that go all the way (Gen. 2:24, Mt. 19:6).

This, for God’s glory, our joy, and our church’s good and encouragement.

GUIDELINES vs RULES

Any blog for the singles, esp. on the “relationships” topic will mostly be guidelines, not rules; being careful on not prohibiting what Scripture does not (1 Cor. 4:6).   Guidelines tho, that will take from the unconventional but more reliable wisdom of Scripture.  So like traffic signs (and lights), everyone will be free to heed or ignore.

One of my favorite verses goes:

The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance.  (Ps. 16:6).

Much like broken white lines that mark out lanes on a highway, guidelines serve as relational boundary lines, laid for order and [your] safety.  Such say “Best to stay in a lane; proceed with care when changing lanes”.

At dangerous areas, however, transportation authorities act on the responsibility of clearly and strongly warning drivers of the danger up ahead.  Solid yellow lines normally seen on winding or undulating roads urge us “Strictly no overtaking (due to blind corner)”.  Very strong suggestion, very clear boundary line laid for [your] protection.

The bible says that for those free “in Christ” (1 Cor. 1:2; i.e. believers), ‘“Everything is permissible for me”—but not everything is beneficial.’ (1 Cor. 6:12).

Can you overtake at a blind corner?  Sure you can.  But not without very high risk.  You may have seen some get away unscathed by overtaking on a blind curve beside a ridge or at the crest of a road, but would it be wise to risk it?  An incoming truck can quickly make for a very bad day.

Because we love you, we will act on the responsibility of making such “solid yellow lines” as obvious as possible (i.e. in sin issues).  But though the boundary lines will be brought clearly to your attention, the  decision will still be fully yours to make.

A paraphrase of 1 Cor. 6:12 is interesting:

Just because something is technically legal doesn’t mean that it’s spiritually appropriate. (The Message)

Just because eating your bike is lawfully and morally legal doesn’t mean it’d be wise to do so.  But can you?  Sure.  But it won’t benefit you.  It won’t be wise.  The same is applicable in how we go about with our relationships.

In going over the relational topics that will be tackled, you’d be encouraged to ask, “Considering what I want to happen in my life, what is the wise thing to do [or decide]? (Eph. 5:15-17; for more on this, check Andy Stanley’s “The Best Question Ever.”)

Why compromise getting to your desired destination in one piece by taking an ill-advised, hardly-thought-about decision in the hope of making up a short amount of time?

How does this look like relationally?  The difference between a good time and a good life.  ”What do we really want?”  It’s supposed to be a rhetorical, a no-brainer of a question.  Sadly, it’s one that we still continually need to ask in order for us  not to sabotage our own lives.

You have a delightful inheritance!  On your way there to claim it, it’d be to your best interest to respect the boundary lines, because they have been put at appropriate (indeed, pleasant) places for you.

But at the end of the day, it’ll be your decision.  Make it count.

“Can he/she be the one?”

A universal longing that most everyone has.  A deep-seated desire for covenant relationship with another person, much like that we have for God (Ecc. 3:11).  So a perfectly valid question.  Tho one that can be only be answered properly when considering the plans of Him who put this inside of us in the first place.

To discuss the topic of relationships among singles, we held a 2-day talk for the Singles of Victory Alabang called “Going All The Way: Preparing for a Marriage that goes the Distance”.  (Note: Content was not based on Craig Groeschel’s book of the same title, though the title was adapted.)

Though there had been much clamor for material (i.e. audio, print) related to the event, we decided for the better option, which is to blog about it.  This way we’ll get to cover more ground over a period of time, which is a welcome alternative to speaking at an event working to a time limit (esp. when there’s too many things that everyone wants to say and ask about).

So let’s get started.

Why “Going All The Way”?

Subtly put, this is a phrase that people would use to refer to the extremes of sexual activity, usually in the context of being done outside the commitment of marriage (i.e. fornication).  Very self-serving, very destructive, very here-and-now as well.

However, if we look at what the bible says about God’s original plans for human relationships, it’ll be for covenant relationships that will go the distance (Mt. 19:4-5).  How does this look like?

-       Men that actually take on the duties and responsibilities of a husband: loving, serving, providing for financially, providing godly leadership for his wife in every arena of life (Eph. 5:23, 25-27)

-       Women who will submit to the husband’s godly leadership (Eph. 5:22), acknowledging that submission is the BEST gift that she can give as a response to selfless servant leadership

-       Women who complement (work hand-in-hand with) her husband in function (Gen. 2:18, Eph. 5:21), in that a married Christian couple actually completes each other.

-       Women who will validate their husband’s leadership to a watching world, being the husband’s crown (Prov. 12:4)

-       Fathers who will father their children (“father” being really more a verb than a noun) (Eph. 6:4)

Every Christian couple [particularly those who came to know the Lord already as a couple] needs to work towards this, purposefully amending their ways.  And for this, Jesus is able.  He’s not called “Redeemer” for nothing.

But having said these, what an opportunity single people have to do things right from the start.  Because a marriage that goes all the way is not something that we just wish for (while all while handling relationships any way we please).  It is primarily  something to believe and trust God for; also something to be purposefully prepared for; most importantly something to be reaped in its time (Ecc. 3:11a).

And for a single person, the season to SOW is NOW.  And the fertile field to sow in is the relationships that we have and will be making (1 Tim 5:1-2).  Everything we will be covering will be for the purpose of this sowing.

There have been questions that have been brought up at “Going All The Way” that we had not answered due to event time constraints.  So we’ll go through these one at a time as a means to highlight what the event sought to communicate.

Stay tuned.  Be patient…  (you can take that as lesson # 1)

“…I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” – Jn. 10:10b (TNIV)

What did Jesus mean by “life” and “have it [life] to the full”? Rarely can a (half a) verse in all of Scripture be more pregnant with meaning:

“life”

The purpose of Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection is that His people may have life.  Yes, this sounds vague and figurative, but it’s really not.  It’s real and matter-of-fact.  Jesus gave us life by rescuing us from death.  We would’ve died and that would’ve been it.  Game over.

But if we accept our Heavenly Father’s offer of salvation through the finished work of Jesus by the power of His Spirit, we get life.  That is, eternal life.

Because Jesus fulfilled His life purpose, we know that men will eventually die and still live when it really matters.  (Funny thought, if Jesus couldn’t have truthfully said “It is finished” (Gk. tetelestai) before breathing His last (Jn. 19:30), it’d tragically be “I am finished” for all of us at our final breaths.  Whew.  Thanks, Lord.)

In addition to eternal life, a life of peace is even made available to us as we finish out our days here on Earth (Jn. 16:33).

Sound good enough?  Sure.  But would you believe it, there’s even more.  How much more is overwhelming.

“have it [life] to the full” 

Though salvation is an unbelievable, amazing gift (the gift of God, in fact – Eph. 2:8), we are not meant to settle for “just” salvation, simply because God has so much more in store for us.  If only we’d just want it.  He wants us to want more.   He wants each of us to have a regenerated life, a victorious life right here on Earth.

And how exactly do we do this?  By living a life of purpose.  A “God life” – the kind of life that He intended for us to have.  The kind that’d give Him more of the glory that He alone deserves.

Meaning?  Getting involved in the cause that Jesus started: the cause of redemption [of man].  We have to become others-focused, loving and serving people, just as Jesus modeled.

Desperate not to be “left on the side”, we need to ask God, “What would You have me do?”  “I know that my purpose is to bring glory to You, …to make You more famous.  But how would You have me do that?  Help me find my unique purpose in Your kingdom.”  Everyone needs to get up each day with something to do – some duty, task, calling, some purpose in life – a reason to be in the kingdom setting.

Whatever that turns out be, it’ll invariably mean doing everything in this Earthly life for the glory of His name and His renown (1 Cor. 10:31, Col. 3:17, Isa. 26:8).  This will translate into honoring God in our relationships, work, finances, and ministry (i.e. church involvement).

Only in bringing glory to God can a life of real fulfillment on Earth result, with eternal rewards accorded us to boot (i.e. Mt. 25:21; crowns – 2 Tim. 4:8, Jas. 1:12, 1 Pe. 5:4).

Having said these, a paraphrase of Jesus’ words could make things clearer:

“…I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of.” – Jn. 10:10b (The Message)

“Real life” (fulfilling, satisfying) on Earth as originally intended for us by God, and “eternal life” with Him at the consummation of His kingdom.  Both of which are “more and better than we are capable to dream of.”

One or both?  No-brainer as it may seem, it’s really up to us.

The entries that will follow will be my attempts to show how a FULL life is to be had, examining different arenas of life.

(All Scripture references on this site will be taken from the TNIV (Today’s New International Version), unless otherwise noted.)