Dating Q & A # 3
What is the right term to use, “dating” or “courtship”? Is it ok to call each other “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”?
The apostle Paul said not to quarrel over words (1 Tim. 6:4), so it’d be best not to get lost in mere semantics.
Regardless of the history of the word “Dating”, in the past two decades it has largely meant “in a relationship”, or a variation thereof, with some calling themselves “boyfriend-girlfriend”. People legitimately contend that not using these terms today would unnecessarily ostracize Christians from non-believers, and it’d be much better to use these same terms but live it differently than everybody else does, for everyone’s benefit (i.e. the couple and the people around them). Makes perfect sense, doesn’t it?
“Courtship”, tho archaic [literally meaning “bringing the relationship before a court" (i.e. seeking guidance in humility)] and more noble-sounding, it really just refers to a similar arrangement, albeit involving community more. Some may argue that this term suggests something closer to “man pursuing or wooing the lady” [as opposed to “chase ended, steady lang muna, waiting indefinitely for what’s next” (more on this on Q & A #5)], and is a boundary in itself that they have chosen to set for their protection. That is noble! So this is fine too.
However, using either “courtship” or “dating”, and calling each other “boyfriend-girlfriend” or not, are inconsequential. What is important is to let your individual lives, and your relationship [that a watching world is more likely to observe] – give glory to God.
Let what you do define your terms.
There are people who call themselves to be in “courtship” but are steeped in sin and cause confusion to young believers and non-believers (“stumbling blocks“, 1 Cor. 8:9, 11-12). There are also people who are “dating” and/or call themselves “boyfriend – girlfriend” but have a relationship that effectively attracts people to Jesus (1 Thess. 4:12) in the way that they honor, serve, and preserve one another.
The heart of the matter is that it’s not about terms.
It’s all about honoring God and one another, and keeping away from sin (Heb. 12:1).
Everything else is a conscience issue (1 Cor. 8); a personal conviction thing. As everything else concerning relationships (except sin issues), we are free in Christ to decide [i.e. on the terms we use] as we deem appropriate to the relationships we lead, but are not free to enforce on others (1 Cor. 9).
A note to men: The premier way that you can honor and serve the lady you are pursuing is if the MAN (that’s you) defines the relationship in a way that she will be able to answer questions presented her [by others regarding the relationship/arrangement], with brimming excitement and joy rather than awkward uncertainty or confusion. Be purposeful.
Let’s be honest, it’d be nothing less than immaturity or childishness if you pursue a woman without seriously considering her to be your wife. Tho’ a mature lady can agree to such a season (or arrangement) to prayerfully consider if she’d agree to be your wife or not, is there really any other reason for a mature man to pursue a lady?? Shouldn’t you have already decided in your heart that you’d want to have the honor of being her husband in the very near future long before you started pursuing her?
Define your relationship, set and embrace the boundaries (Ps. 16:6), then pursue her / serve her / court her / date her with the purpose of preparing her heart for marriage! That, to my mind, is being purposeful.
(And I do hope that ladies wouldn’t settle for anything less. Desiring for commitment means waiting for a man, not settling for a boy (who can’t control his hands or his emotions, and no discipline whatsoever to back his actions up with).
To recap, a straight question deserves a straight answer. So this is as straight and forthright as I can manage:
Q: “Dating” or “courting”? ”Boyfriend-girlfriend” or not?
A: Keep away from sin. Honor God. Honor and serve the other. Be purposeful. (and men, pursue her as she deserves to be!)
All this, in view of a marriage that goes the distance.
Next entry: Dating Q & A # 4:
Do you believe in the concept of “soul mate”?
Posted by Joyce on 0, July 24, 2009 at 12:08 pm
I would love to have breakfast, morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack, dinner, midnight snack with you for the rest of our lives.
Posted by Kristel Reyes on 0, July 27, 2009 at 11:11 am
that picture was so sweet and very romantice
Posted by johndelrosario on 0, August 28, 2009 at 2:57 pm
It is, isn’t it? At hindi camera trick yan. Hindi yan dumaan sa Photoshop. Hehe Chivalry is not dead! Hopefully you’ll readily see this alive and well among Christian men. Calling Christian men…
Posted by johndelrosario on 0, August 28, 2009 at 2:59 pm
For Joyce:
Yehey! That’s the plan when I asked you to marry me, love.
I’m glad you’re enjoying it!
Posted by Joyce on 0, July 24, 2009 at 2:13 pm
I agree. Bottomline: Honor God.
*Make it purposeful. Not only this benefits you but even the people around you.
*Your friends, families and other people in your circle will tell you what a privilege it is for them to witness and to be part of this season of your relationship if you choose is to honor God and each other.
Posted by johndelrosario on 0, August 28, 2009 at 3:02 pm
That’s right! Honor God.
More than an exclusive arrangement (like how BF-GF is usually done), Christian dating or courtship is a Community thing.
Posted by Ninoy Reglos on 0, July 25, 2009 at 6:09 pm
yes… I agree… it’s not about the “term” but it’s all about your heart and your purpose.
Posted by johndelrosario on 0, August 28, 2009 at 3:05 pm
That’s it, bro! So regardless of the term you want to use, get down to it already.
She’ll be one blessed woman.
Posted by may on 0, July 27, 2009 at 11:48 am
you are the right man to impart on this. you and joyce –your relationship is already a legacy unfolding. God is pleased.
Posted by johndelrosario on 0, August 28, 2009 at 2:55 pm
Thanks so much. May. That is very encouraging indeed.
Thanks so much for your help as well!
Posted by Frank on 0, August 2, 2009 at 11:27 pm
Bro, I could only agree to all that you have to say on this-The terms as to how you word it is not the issue, it’s about how you carry out yourself with the woman that you are pursuing in ways that honor God.
The only dilemma I see in this is the fact that, before a man decides who the person to pursue is he has to know the person first-being in a relationship as friends.
And here’s where I see a prevalent problem that exists in any given community-Whenever a man and a woman is walking together, not exactly dating even especially when they are merely chatting, it is almost always being taken as the man making a move towards the woman.
Personally, this kind of thinking is very immature and shows insecurity. I don’t think it’s anybody’s business to figure out wether the person is set on pursuing a person or not simply when they’re merely being friends.
In conclusion, I guess we ought to define what friendship is as well.
Lately, I’ve been asked a very interesting question where a friend presented me with a situation. The man is in good terms as friends with the woman but has lately developed a desire for the woman-I think it’s normal, especially when they have a lot of things in common and seems to agree with almost everything.
In this case, does it mean to say that the man has to go straight and define the terms right away that he is set on pursuing her?
Is it okay if the man remains as a friend, but shows a genuine concern/care for the person-But not necessarily wanting to be in a romantic relationship yet for the fact that he has to get to know her more?
Though personally, I think this is okay as long as there’s no such thing as exclusivity between friends. Ergo, it’s best to always include other friends.
Posted by johndelrosario on 0, August 28, 2009 at 3:13 pm
This is a very legitimate concern you’ve brought up, Francis. And one that we’re looking to address in a post very soon. In addition to describing an environment that’s conducive to having friendships flourish, we’ll cover the man’s responsibility as he goes about it as well.
Thanks for commenting.
Posted by Chrina on 0, August 19, 2009 at 12:21 pm
This is a great blog for the Singles, John! Will re-post/link it, k?
Posted by johndelrosario on 0, August 19, 2009 at 1:39 pm
Thanks, Chrina. Please feel free to do so.
Working on the next entries. Workload’s been heavier lately. I’ll post again in a couple of days.
Posted by sarah on 0, November 8, 2009 at 5:55 am
To God be all the glory for this Blog, really amazing! that i even share this to my friends. God moves in different ways.. God bless you and Joyce and thank you…..